feeling a failure

Today I feel a little uneasy, a bit blah. My self esteem has always been pretty rubbish to be fair. So I always wondered how I would cope when I had children. Now anyone who knows me knows that I love my children to bits, I would do anything for them. But I have always had a bit of an issue with my brain telling me that I am failing, and I always believe my brain.
So when Ariana was born, I had read all this info on breastfeeding (which I never managed with eldest because she was born very small) and I had come across pages where mothers had said things like
 ‘just push through it, formula is awful’
 ‘mums who don’t breastfeed are just lazy’
‘Formula is basically just chemicals’

 So my brain started telling me that all this was true, even though Bella was completely formula fed.
So as soon as Ariana was born she breastfed …up to 6 weeks old..and then all of a sudden my milk just stopped. I felt so rubbish, I felt like a huge worthless failure…this brought my PND to the surface.
I started to feel angry a lot, weepy, sad, really low. Now I decided to google PND just before I assumed anything…because for all I knew it could have been the baby blues. I felt claustrophobic, closeted in. Everyday I got up I just didn’t want to face the world.
But after visiting doctor and health visitor.. My hunch was right.
But I am just glad I did something about it…because you hear horror stories of mums that have PND didn’t seek help and ended up hurting themselves… I was awfully close to doing that myself. I did not want to be a statistic, that ended up doing something awful…generally I keep things to myself, I am not very open.
But today 5 months later I still feel like a massive failure, that I wasn’t good enough to keep my milk going to feed my daughter, everyday when I see mums that seem to have no problems…I just can’t help but feel so awful.
Now I am aware that I am writing this a little late after it happened, but I am only now feeling like I can.
So for those who have read this, thank you 🙂


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