Today my mind is elsewhere.
My brain is telling me things I know not to be true – and yet making me question myself.
I am not known for my body confidence.
I am feeling a tug of war going on inside my mind –
between recovery and dormant eating disorder.
I am struggling with this overwhelming urge to restrict my food intake.
I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I won’t look at myself naked because I loathe myself right now.
I know in my heart that numbers don’t matter. I know it.
But my brain always seems to overrule me.
Numbers. The numbers on the scale sicken me.
I have a ‘scary’ weight – I have always considered 11 stone (154lb) to be scary.
In fact the mere sight of the needle pointing to that number on the scale freaks me out.
I am currently over this number.
I know. I know that it shouldn’t matter – I want others to know how important being yourself is, and that you are beautiful as you are..because it is true.
But I am struggling
I am in dire straits
I feel disgusting.
I sometimes feel as though I suffer from a type of body dysmorphia
Not that I am trying to self diagnose
I want to be honest and open here because I would otherwise block myself off and shut myself away.
I am fighting with this voice telling me that I am a disgusting waste of air, that I am an embarrassment to my husband and children.
But it is hard.
Right now it is winning.
Right now my recovery is in jeopardy.
Right now I am in a hole and I cannot get out.
Right now I am stuck..I am stuck…I am stuck
Right now I am stranded.