Letting the tears flow

So, after last weeks Tuesday at ten post about letting go…I had a bit of a set back.
I talked of taking a metaphorical walk with my bunch of balloons of past pains.
But boy did ever open up the Pandora’s box of emotions.

I delved into my closed memory boxes too deeply and so many things poured out and I became overwhelmed.

Things that I don’t like to remember but don’t want to forget.

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August 2nd 2009

I had an early pregnancy miscarriage.

That date will live with me forever. I lost a piece of myself that day.

I clearly remember each moment as if it were yesterday…

I never got to cradle my lost baby.
Never got to hold them.

I felt a failure.
As though it was my fault that I lost our baby.

That day destroyed what little faith in myself that I had left.
There was essentially nothing left but a black hole.

Dwelling on this memory yesterday – that I don’t talk about let alone think about – caused me to breakdown.

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I spent a great deal of yesterday stewing in my own juices and not speaking out.

But not today.
Today I do not stew.

Today I am thankful.
I am thankful my blessings.
The 3 babies that I have been blessed with since my loss.

But I will always have 4 babies.

Today I am thankful for those who hug me without questioning my tears.
Today I am thankful for those who reach out to me without hesitation.

Today I am thankful that I still have the imprint of tiny feet in my heart.

Today I am thankful that I don’t have to suffer in my silent corner anymore.

It’s not a memory I plan to let go of.

I am thankful the faith in myself that is restoring each day.

I am thankful.

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