The road to recovery is paved with holes

Today my mind is elsewhere.

My brain is telling me things I know not to be true – and yet making me question myself.

I am not known for my body confidence.

I am feeling a tug of war going on inside my mind –
between recovery and dormant eating disorder.

I am struggling with this overwhelming urge to restrict my food intake.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I won’t look at myself naked because I loathe myself right now.

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I know in my heart that numbers don’t matter. I know it.
But my brain always seems to overrule me.

Numbers. The numbers on the scale sicken me.
I have a ‘scary’ weight – I have always considered 11 stone (154lb) to be scary.
In fact the mere sight of the needle pointing to that number on the scale freaks me out.

I am currently over this number.

I know. I know that it shouldn’t matter – I want others to know how important being yourself is, and that you are beautiful as you are..because it is true.

But I am struggling
I am in dire straits

I feel disgusting.
I sometimes feel as though I suffer from a type of body dysmorphia
Not that I am trying to self diagnose

I want to be honest and open here because I would otherwise block myself off and shut myself away.

I am fighting with this voice telling me that I am a disgusting waste of air, that I am an embarrassment to my husband and children.

But it is hard.
Right now it is winning.
Right now my recovery is in jeopardy.
Right now I am in a hole and I cannot get out.
Right now I am stuck..I am stuck…I am stuck

Right now I am stranded.

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