Last week I crumbled under increasing pressure.
Its no secret that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years.
But this felt different somehow. Like I might not be able to come back from it.
I got up as I normally do, got the kids up. Then something was said that made me snap.
So I got dressed, put my shoes on, got in the car and drove off.
To this day I can’t tell why it happened – but it did.
That day is a blur of tears for me. I don’t cry often. But this day was an extreme exception.
I think what people don’t seem to realise is that being a stay at home is a lonely job.
Don’t get me wrong I live my kids deeply, but when you spend 24/7 with 3 people under the age of 7 it can be a lot you know.
I guarantee someone will read this and say “well maybe you shouldn’t have kids then” or “then go back to work” – all excellent advice I’m sure, but I am not complaining about being a stay at home mum, but merely making an observation.
We as mums have a lot of pressure put on us – not just from ourselves but from others too.
We want to be the perfect mums.
Doing everything as the books say. Like a stepford mum if you will.
But most days I walk around the house in my yoga pants, I don’t wear make up and I rarely do anything with my hair.
My house is generally tidy (if you count toys everywhere as tidy).
Dinner is ready at a certain time, but we don’t eat at the table (don’t judge)
My washing pile never seems to shrink. and I don’t iron.
Yes I give my kids chicken nuggets.
Most days I make dinner and it’s picked apart and left by the kids.
I rarely get dinner for myself until 8pm.
I often feel like a failure as a mum. Like I don’t do enough.
But my friends will tell me I am doing a great job, so my brain is conflicted.
Everyday is the same, and often feel like I am on a hamster wheel that I can’t get off of.
You can only go so far running on empty.
And right now I feel as if I am. Like I have come to a brick wall so I have to stop.
But do you know what – it’s OK to feel this way.
Unless I stop and take time to refuel then I will crumble, like I did last week.
As mums were allowed to have a bad day.
Because, let’s face it we have a great deal of things do each day, let alone trying to keep our kids alive!
As a mum with depression and anxiety I find it increasingly hard.
Some days are harder than others.
But it’s OK.
It’s OK not to be perfect.
It’s OK to not be OK.
It’s OK to have a bad day.