Ok now i am mad!

As you can tell from the post title something i have seen today has made me cross.

Just scrolling along through my Facebook feed, as you do.

And i came across an article – about a website that sells baby high heels.

view here
Now don’t get me wrong I am all for letting little girls wear adorable things, nothing wrong with it. 

But there is a line.

And i believe that baby high heels, bras for kids too young to wear them, and bikinis for young kids are over that line. 

In fact they market high heels for girls Bella’s age and i still think she is too young for them.

We are forced the idea that women have to look and dress a certain way as it is.

And i will be darned if i start my kids down a path that involves trying to be a carbon copy of others.

So don’t get me wrong I am all for things that are adorable.

But these shoes are just wrong.

Although i wouldn’t be surprised if reality TV families brought into the idea.

I felt like i wanted to write something on this matter because we are always fed the idea that beauty and style is more important than being who you are.

But i believe different.

I wouldn’t want my girls to look back at pictures of themselves and not see a change. To see them in high heels right from the get go.

We need our kids to be kids.

They grow up too fast as it is.

Dear mums, it’s ok.

You may have noticed a slight absence from me lately.

It has taken me a long time to get the courage to write this post.

About a week and a half ago I suffered what can only be described as a mental breakdown.

I was in a pretty bad place.

I am still not in a great place if I am honest.

But I am very good at putting on my “I am fine” face if you know what I mean.

In fact i am wearing it today.

I have been back and forth writing this for a week, trying to pick out the right words.

When i went to see my parents, they didn’t understand the way i was feeling – but they grew up in a different generation – where mental illness was not talked about and hidden away in hospitals.

I got the usual comments – what do you have to be depressed about? Is Matt helping out at home? Etc etc.

They forced my hand in going to the doctor. I wasn’t going to.

In telling the doctor about everything – she didn’t really look like she knew what to say to me or what to do. Which didn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

But i got put back on antidepressants. 2 weeks ago tomorrow.

Interestingly depression isn’t just about what you have in your life or what you don’t have – it’s a mental illness.

I will admit that. I have before. I am not ashamed of it.

I am a mum and have depression.

I am a mum and i have anxiety issues.

I am a mum and sometimes i want to be alone.

I am a mum and i am on antidepressants.

This doesn’t make me a failure. I thought it did.

I thought it made me the worst mum. But it doesn’t.

It makes me strong for getting help.

For putting my hand up and admitting my problem. I am honest and brave.

If you are a mum and feeling down or depressed just know it’s ok to feel this way.

It’s also ok to get help.

It’s ok to reach out.

It’s ok to take medication to help.

It’s ok to not be ok.

I am not ok but i will be.

FMF – weak

Yesterday was a pretty tough day.

It was 27 years since my dad passed away.

Every year that passes gets harder not easier. Yesterday was full of memories and flashbacks.

So I decided to push back five minute friday, because my brain and heart just weren’t up to the task.

I am still not feeling good today, but I am here all the same.

Ready and willing to write. Because sometimes…Ok most times writing helps.

As you know I am joining in with kate and her linkup of fab writers, for five minutes of free writing… Remember no editing!

This weeks prompt –

Ready, set, go
Well this word means a huge amount to me this week. I feel physically weak. Like I am missing some important part of my being.

My dad is missing from me. 

He has been gone for so long, but my heart feels like it is missing a piece.

My heart is weakened by the loss. Broken.

I may feel weak without him. But my dad was far from a weak man.

He was so strong. So brave. So courageous.

People will often ask me what happened.. Curiosity I guess.

I tell them he died a hero.

He wasn’t a police officer, a fireman or a paramedic.

He was a normal guy, who wanted to help someone in trouble.

He did and he saved lives. Because it was the kind of person he was.

He was a very brave man.

I feel positively weak in comparison.

Even now after all I have been through and put myself through.

But when I think hard about it and shed light on my past I realise that I am strong.

I am not as weak as I think I am.

When I am weak, then I am strong.

FMF – breathe

It’s Friday! 

And February…Wait what?! 

Ooh also we are heading back to France in august! Yay!

I think we may have found our new annual holiday destination, huzzah!

Hope your week has seen you well 😊 so far we have had an abundance of rain and gale force winds 👍 oh and I have done my back in again, which is always a joy 😔

Currently stuck in a constant of fighting colds and miserable weather.

Well, it’s Friday so that means it’s time for fmf. And yes this is me writing it on a Friday, shocking I know 😂 

As usual I am joining in with Kate and her linkup of wonderful writers. To take five minutes out of day to write on a prompt..No editing..No stopping..Eek!
This week’s prompt –

Ready. Set. Go

Tell me something.

Do you ever just stop. Step back, close your eyes and just breathe?

Yea me neither.

I am the last person that would do it. But you know what it so important, to just stop and take a breath.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean literal breathing, because I think we all know that’s important.

I mean taking a step back from life, from worries, from stresses.

Because so many of us have these troubles that we are buried under, that suffocate us – that we just need that time to step away.

That is how we can get through things.

Inhale. Exhale. Move forward.

If you feel like you struggling. Stop and breathe.

We cannot force our way through things like a bull in a China shop –

 Take things slow, take care, breathe.

Life is tough. If you don’t take care of you, then you may stumble and fall.

Sometimes I know I need to step back and breathe, but I don’t.

My heart feels it. My head knows it. But my body ignores it.

From now on I am going to pay more attention to me. I am going to take the time to stop.

I am going to take the time to breathe.

FMF – control

Oh my word I feel like the white rabbit almost every week at the moment…”I’m late, I’m late!” 😂

It’s not as if I forget, it’s more that it gets pushed out of my brain by the day to day life of being a parent 😂

Anyway I am going to get right to it, before something happens to distract me.

As you know I am joining in with kate and her linkup of lovely writers, for five minutes of free writing. Without going over it and editing..Eek!

This week’s prompt

Ready, set, go.

This is an interesting word for me.

Certain aspects of my life I have used as a form of control. 

Because sometimes when things go wrong we try to adjust by changing other areas of our lives – in order to try to gain control.

When I was younger I controlled my eating.

If you were to ask me if there was any trigger, I couldn’t give you an answer. Because I don’t really know myself.

One thing I do know is that I was so afraid of being sick that I just stopped eating. Which in turn spiralled out of control.

But the whole thing behind it I guess, is that of control.

Nobody likes to feel as though they have no control. It is one if the worst feelings.

As an example my husband hates rollercoasters – because he has no control over the speed etc.

I wouldn’t say I am a control freak, by any stretch of the imagination.

But I am a major stresser. I stress about little things, big things, things that haven’t even happened.

But we can’t control everything. Sometimes we just have to let it be. 

Take a deep breath. Have faith. And let go.

Turn off your control switch.

Inspirational women – Emily Davison

The other night I was sat by myself downstairs..A rarity in itself. But I got to looking through the movie channels, and came across “suffragette”.

Oh my word, I have never seen anything like it. I mean I knew of the suffragette movement, but I didn’t know a great deal about it.

If you haven’t seen it then I am suggesting it. It is a true eye opener.

The things these women went through is astounding.

They were beaten, arrested, force fed and imprisoned.

The one that got me was Emily Davison.

You may not know her name or even her face.

But I guarantee you will know her for what she did.

In 1913 she stepped in front of king George v horse at the epsom derby. The image was seen around the world.

She died from her injuries. She died for her cause. For womens rights.

She wanted women to have the right to vote. But also to show that women have a voice. We matter. It’s not just a man’s world.

At that time though, women cooked, cleaned, worked in factories and bore children.

They had no say, no voice, no rights.

Could not, should not speak up.

After her death it took a good while for the suffragette movement to make some difference – not until 1928 were womens rights recognised in Britain.

She was brave. Strong. Courageous. And wouldn’t take no for an answer.

She is a true inspiration.
We have rights. We have a voice. We are strong.

We have rights because of Emily and all those like her.

FMF – Connect

Its back.

The first five minute friday of 2017! This year I hope to do all of them.

Self care is my thing this year, taking time out do things I enjoy. And I enjoy blogging, writing down my thoughts, reading others…Etc..Etc..

So in the spirit of sticking to my word, here is my (albiet late) five minute friday post.

As usual I am joining in with kate and her linkup of lovely bloggers.

Taking 5 minutes out of our busy schedules to write on a given topic – no deleting, no editing..Eek!

This week’s prompt – connect

Ready, set, go.
We all want to connect with someone. It’s human nature.

As babies we connect with our parents. 

As children we try to connect with other children, to make friends.

As teenagers we try to connect with different peer groups, trying to fit in. To belong.

As adults, I think the same thing applies. It’s surprising how the work place is very much like high school.

But on some level we all want to connect.

Because let me tell you something being lonely sucks, it really sucks.

I told my mum something the other day about how hard it was for me in high school.

How I had a group of friends – 3 or 4. Most days they would be my friend, talk with me, sit with me in class etc.

But other days I would go to school only to find this was no long the case. Today they hated me. Today they would ignore me, blank me, point and laugh at me, openly mock me in class. Basically treat me like garbage.

All I ever wanted was a proper friend. Not one that treated me badly. Yet I let it happen over and over again.

Yet even though this is how people have treated me – I still long to connect.

Because when we connect with those who make us feel good, it builds us up.

Making us feel more worthy of friendship, of kindness.

Everybody deserves kindness. Deserves they can connect with, and talk to.

How do you feel when you connect with others?

Just one connection makes a difference.

It’s 2017!

Hey there!

Another year has flown by in a total blur – literally I have very little memory of what happened!

Although I am one of those people who decided to gather up my photo memories of 2016 and post them on social media – yes I am that person!

2016 was a year of many first in our house – Ariana got her first pair of glasses, Bella lost her first tooth, Ariana and her first day of pre school.. Etc 

This year will have its fair share of first too. Ariana starts school full time, James starts pre school this year too!

What were some of your highlights of 2016?

But what about the downsides of 2016?

Terror attacks, major earthquakes, Donald trump!

And don’t even get me started on the huge loses in the TV/music/movie industry!

David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Ronnie Corbett, Harper Lee, Frank Sinatra jr, Rick Parfitt, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Paul Daniels, Doris Roberts, Victoria Wood, Christina Grimmie, Muhammed Ali..To name but a few.

I absolutely adore Alan Rickman! No words can really describe how awesome he was 😔

Hoping that we don’t lose so many this year! We lost a lot of good ones already!
On a lighter note, what are your plans for 2017?

Mums, it’s OK to have a bad day.

Last week I crumbled under increasing pressure.

Its no secret that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years.

But this felt different somehow. Like I might not be able to come back from it.

I got up as I normally do, got the kids up. Then something was said that made me snap.

So I got dressed, put my shoes on, got in the car and drove off.

To this day I can’t tell why it happened – but it did.

That day is a blur of tears for me. I don’t cry often. But this day was an extreme exception.

I think what people don’t seem to realise is that being a stay at home is a lonely job.

Don’t get me wrong I live my kids deeply, but when you spend 24/7 with 3 people under the age of 7 it can be a lot you know.

I guarantee someone will read this and say “well maybe you shouldn’t have kids then” or “then go back to work” – all excellent advice I’m sure, but I am not complaining about being a stay at home mum, but merely making an observation.

We as mums have a lot of pressure put on us – not just from ourselves but from others too.

We want to be the perfect mums.

Doing everything as the books say. Like a stepford mum if you will.

But most days I walk around the house in my yoga pants, I don’t wear make up and I rarely do anything with my hair.

My house is generally tidy (if you count toys everywhere as tidy).

Dinner is ready at a certain time, but we don’t eat at the table (don’t judge)

My washing pile never seems to shrink. and I don’t iron.

Yes I give my kids chicken nuggets.

Most days I make dinner and it’s picked apart and left by the kids.

I rarely get dinner for myself until 8pm.

I often feel like a failure as a mum. Like I don’t do enough.

But my friends will tell me I am doing a great job, so my brain is conflicted.
Everyday is the same, and often feel like I am on a hamster wheel that I can’t get off of.

You can only go so far running on empty.

And right now I feel as if I am. Like I have come to a brick wall so I have to stop.

But do you know what – it’s OK to feel this way.

Unless I stop and take time to refuel then I will crumble, like I did last week.

As mums were allowed to have a bad day.

Because, let’s face it we have a great deal of things do each day, let alone trying to keep our kids alive!
As a mum with depression and anxiety I find it increasingly hard.

Some days are harder than others.

But it’s OK.

It’s OK not to be perfect.

It’s OK to not be OK.

It’s OK to have a bad day.

Sometimes we all need time to self care.
And ladies that’s OK.